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Growing Up Too Fast Or Too Slow?
By David A. Crenshaw, Ph.D.
Olga Silverstein, now retired, but a wise and highly acclaimed family therapist at the Ackerman Institute for the Family in New York, stated in a presentation many years ago that it can be hard to grow up in caretaking families. The implicit message is “Don’t grow up too soon!” This is even more of an issue for the youngest child growing up in “caretaking” families. Caretaking families tend to give, often out of awareness, the message to the child, “You are not capable, not ready to take on a more grown-up role in the world.” These children may be unduly fearful because they have read these messages to indicate the world is a dangerous place and you are only safe close to home under the protective wing of the family.
In some families the children may receive mixed and conflicting messages. In these families conflicting value systems are emphasized. The father may value independence and the mother loves babies. How does a child reconcile these conflicting messages and the implicit loyalty choices? Do you grow up by expressing the conflict by acting like a baby on frequent occasions?
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The child may alternate back and forth between grown up and babyish or at least childish behavior thereby attempting to be loyal to both parties to the conflict. In contemporary life, it is not that unusual to encounter families, where the problem is the opposite of the families described above where someone is putting on the brakes to slow the child’s growing up but rather one or both parents are in a hurry for the children to grow up. In this instance, it may be a race to see who achieves their independence first, the adolescent or the parent. Silverstein observed that in these families the dependence of the kids is not easily tolerated because the parents are eager to get on with their lives. Article Directory: http://www.articlecube.com David A. Crenshaw, Ph.D., ABPP is a Board Certified Clinical Psychologist and Director of the Rhinebeck Child and Family Center, LLC (website: www.rhinebeckcfc.com). He specializes in treating children and families and is the author/co-author of four books: Understanding and Treating the Aggression of Children: Fawns in Gorilla Suits; A Handbook of Play Therapy with Aggressive Children; Engaging Resistant Children in Therapy: Projective Drawing and Storytelling Techniques; and Bereavement.
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