Before you start the negotiation, quietly reflect on thefollowing questions:

What do I want? Why do I want it and why is it important?

How important is this to me?

To get what I want, what will I need to do and what will mypartner need to do?

If I get most of what I want what is the positive and negativeeffect on my partner?

How can I make it easier for my partner to say yes?

However, it may be difficult for my partner to give me most ofwhat I want because_________________________________________________________________. I may be able to increase the benefits to my partner by_________________________. I may be able to decrease thedownside to my partner by ______________________. Add otherrelevant information that has not been suggested here.

You don't need to answer every question and complete everystatement sequentially in a dialogue with your partner. But asyou get mentally clear about these issues it will make it easierto conversationally express your concerns and desires.

Start By Stating the Area of Disagreement

It is important to describe the issue as disagreement instead ofas a problem. It is very difficult to say "The problem is___________" without blaming your partner or yourself. Thisactual or implied blame leads to a defensive reaction from oneor both parties. The negotiation then begins to slip like ahouse built on loose gravel.

State the disagreement in the form, "We seem to disagree about_______________." Then take turns expressing what your concernsand desires are about the disagreement.

Describe Concerns About the Subject

One person goes first and expresses all their concerns while theother listens without rebutting or defending anything. Theresponse is simply to recap and check for understanding. It mayalso be necessary to ask questions for clarity.

Avoid leading questions that sound like Perry Mason, "Did itever occur to you that...?"

Brainstorm Solutions

After each person has expressed all their concerns and desires,and each of you feels understood, then it is time forbrainstorming solutions. Think of several possible solutions.

One partner proposes a solution

Make the suggested proposal in the following format:

Honey, what I suggest is_______________________________________________.

This suggestion works for me because____________________________________.

This suggestion might work for you because_______________________________.

The Rationale For This "Formula"

It encourages being a good self advocate. Simultaneously itforces you to consider your partner's perspective and helpsprevent the possibility of only stubbornly pushing your owndesires.

The Other Partner Responds

If the partner agrees with the whole suggestion, then recap whyit works. If the partner does not agree then start withrecapping the part that does work. The part that does work is________________________________.

The part that doesn't work is ______________________________.

So my alternative suggestion is ____________________________.

This suggestion works for me because _______________________.

And it might work for you because __________________________.

Add value to your offers. Keep finding ways to make it easierfor your partner to say yes.

Remember - this negotiation is only an experiment. Nobody islocked into a permanent solution. It is only for a period oftime to see what if anything needs adjusting.

Repeat suggestions until agreement is reached.

Take Action

If action is appropriate, decide who will do what by when.

Decide for how long you will try this solution.

Evaluation

After the action phase come back and evaluate the results.

If things are fine, continue for another block of time.

Round Two, Three, Etc.

If it didn't work out as well as hoped, each person begins bysaying, "Honey, it didn't work the way I hoped, but here is whatI could have done differently." Don't start by stating what yourpartner should have done differently.

Then repeat appropriate steps above.

Don't be discouraged if your first attempts at this newnegotiation strategy are awkward. This is challenging territoryfor most couples. Keep trying, and you'll improve. If you'd likemore help on the subject, consider attending the weekendcouples' workshop "Coming from your Heart" to learn thisapproach along with a lot of other practical, innovativematerial for couples. It's definitely easier to learn when yousee demonstrations and role-plays. You'd even get to practicewith a therapist helping you stay on track.

Good luck, and may all your disagreements lead you to morelively collaboration.

About the author:Peter Pearson, Ph.D., and his wife Dr. Ellyn Bader, are foundersof The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, CA. Authors, speakers,and therapists, they have been featured on over 50 radio and TVprograms including "The Today Show" and "CBS Early MorningNews." For information on workshops, visit TheCouples Institute.