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Difficult Conversations: 8 Potholes of the Mind and How to Avoid ThemBy Tammy Lenski There’s a certain road that makes me wince when I drive on it. The liberally sprinkled potholes make it annoying and more difficult to get from one end of that short road to the other, make me worry about damage to an axle, and certainly create a bouncy ride that even my dogs notice unhappily. Like potholes in a road, certain "potholes of the mind" reduce the effectiveness of a difficult conversation. (My thanks to Daniel Yankelovich, author of The Magic of Dialogue, for the phrase "potholes of the mind.")
Being certain. Certainty locks you into your conclusions and prevents you from using a critical conflict resolution skill---curiosity. The selective perceptions created by certainty cause you to single out information that supports a belief and filter out information that might disconfirm it. In a negotiation or other difficult conversation, practice the art of uncertainty.
Diagnosing. 19th century English statesman Sir John Lubbock said, "What we see depends mainly on what we look for." When you diagnose another person ("passive-aggressive," limit the potential of the conversation to a narrow fix, and put the other in a box they’ll probably try to fight their way out of. Leave the diagnosing to counselors.
Avoiding. People sometimes avoid confronting a problem because they’re uncomfortable with the prospect, think it’s more work than it’s worth, or worry that they’ll bruise the relationship in the process. While it’s wise to choose your battles, avoidance of important
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Beshear seeks public help with budget shortfallKentucky Gov. Steve Beshear is asking for help from the public with his ongoing Innovation, Economy & Efficiency (IEE) efforts to help address the $456 million expected shortfall in the current fiscal year. Delta traffic up in 2008Delta Air Lines Inc.’s traffic rose 0.8 percent in 2008, boosted by a 13.7 percent increase in international routes. (DAL) Health Council posts hospital treatment dataUpdated information on how the area’s hospitals are performing has been posted online by the Greater Cincinnati Health Council. Belden to head Hylant Group in CincinnatiThe Hylant Group said Wednesday that Todd Belden has been named president of its Cincinnati office. Hamilton County allocates federal grant fundsHamilton County Commissioners said Wednesday that they have allocated the county's federal Community Development Grant funds for 2009. Cincinnati nonprofit plans housing for homeless in OTROver-the-Rhine Community Housing is moving forward with plans to build long-term, supportive housing for the chronically homeless. GE venture to address jet engine stall problemCFM International is working on a software modification for its CFM56-5B engines after a series of engine stalls on Airbus aircraft in 2008. Most regional cities lost jobs over yearGreater Cincinnati lost 5,000 private-sector jobs between November 2007 and November 2008, according to employment figures released Tuesday by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics. First Financial to open Madeira branch in FebruaryFirst Financial Bank will open a Madeira branch – its third in suburban Cincinnati – in late February. (FFBC) Modern Office Methods names Merkel COOA former Wells Fargo executive, Mark Merkel, is joining Modern Office Methods as executive vice president and chief operating officer, the company said. (WFC)
conflicts may do more damage to the relationship than engaging it would, because each subsequent annoyance puts another brick in the wall between you. Deal with an important conflict if you want to improve the relationship.
Solving different problems. Before proceeding too far into a difficult conversation, make sure you and the other person are not on different train tracks. Even subtle differences in how you each name the problem you think you’re solving together can lead to a more convoluted and frustrating discussion. Get joint clarity up front.
Being too committed to positional goals. If you’re telling yourself that your goal in a difficult conversation is to "get her to" or "make him" or "convince her that..." or anything of a similar ilk, you’re setting yourself up for a defensive exchange because you’re essentially naming your solution as part of your goal. And if your solution worked for the other person, you probably wouldn’t still be in dispute. Reconsider your goals and look for ones you can both agree to try reaching.
Listening with your answer running. Most people can’t fully listen to and absorb what another is communicating while concurrently planning their response or looking for a place to jump in. Listening with your answer running results in an internally focused conversation that prevents you from truly hearing and understanding. Let go of planning your response and you may be surprised by what you learn.
Moving too quickly to problem-solving. Good problem solving involves first having a thorough and complex enough understanding of the problem to be able to identify the most effective solutions. Instead of 20% of time spent on understanding and 80% on problem-solving, try flipping these percentages. In important conflicts, time spent on the front end usually saves time in the long run.
Forging ahead when you’re emotionally hijacked. When you're triggered by a perceived threat, such as by another's actions or words, your brain’s amygdala, which is like an emotional tripwire, primes you for impulsive reaction and your prefrontal cortex dampers such reactions to allow a more thoughtful response. But, in "emotional emergencies," such as in conflict, your rational mind can get swamped by your emotional one. Emotional hijackings need effective interruptions to prevent further swamping that will likely yield unhelpful reactions. Continuing a difficult conversation when you’re emotionally hijacked is like continuing to row far from shore while your boat fills with water.
Copyright © 2005 by Tammy Lenski. All rights reserved.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Tammy_Lenski,_Ed.D
Visit www.lenski.com for more tips and resources on talking things out in the work and home relationships that matter most. Get your free copy of Talking It Out in Ten, a worksheet and guide to help you think and prepare for your difficult conversation, by visiting www.lenski.com and clicking on Free Guide. You'll also receive Tammy's monthly newsletter and be entered automatically into a bi-monthly drawing for coaching and consulting time with Tammy. Dr. Tammy Lenski is the author of I Can't Say That!, a popular blog read by women all over the world. A professional mediator, conflict management coach and educator, Tammy works personally with women who want to keep their balance in conflict and step up to the conversations that really matter.
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