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Can Conflict Nurture Relationships?
By Sue Plumtree
My parents’ experience of war and their enforced dependence on other people’s goodwill caused them to instil into me the importance of getting people to like me. My very survival might depend on it, they said again and again. I grew up with that belief deeply embedded into me and I invested a great deal of effort into presenting myself in a way that I believed would appeal to others, get them to like me, give me work, even love me.
It is, therefore, not surprising that, for most of my adult life, I was not only intent on being all things to all people but I was also terrified of conflict. I was firmly convinced that conflict would mark the death of a relationship; they would walk away from me and I would end up alone.
It was a fear that governed all my relationships. I always put other people’s needs and wants ahead of my own. I came to believe that wanting to have my needs met meant I was selfish and, if there was one thing I was not, was selfish. I was also taught never, ever to hurt anyone which I interpreted as not to say or do anything that might hurt, anger or offend anybody. I never even considered that it might not be all right for others to hurt, anger or offend me. To say something meant ‘rocking the boat’ and that was something I simply couldn’t afford.
In my efforts to avoid conflict I would act extra nice, extra loving and cheerful. I believed that expressing what I really felt might be construed as being needy and demanding which, in turn, I interpreted as being a burden and a bore. I dared not even contemplate taking the risk.
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course, I still ended up hurt or upset or angry but, on top of that, since I also pretended I wasn’t, I also felt resentful and it was this resentment that kept gnawing at me and kept my relationships and friendships lukewarm and superficial. One day I met a man, Alan Daly, who became my life coach and, over time, I gradually I learned to set personal boundaries. However, as I recently discovered, setting them is one thing, living by them is quite another. The day came when a close friend acted in a hurtful and thoughtless though unintentional way. I needed to tell her how upset I felt and I did. Because she didn’t respond I kept feeling worse and worse about the incident. And then, about a week later she called and we had an “air clearing” conversation. Afterwards I kept reflecting about conflict and these are the conclusions I came to: Making my feelings clear was hugely important for me because, had I not done so, I would have felt increasingly resentful and the resentment would have got in the way of our friendship. But there’s more. By expressing my feelings and explaining why I felt as I did was important too because, had I not done so, I would not only have betrayed myself (because my personal boundaries would have been meaningless) but, since she would not have known how her actions affected me she might easily act in a similar way in the future, not only towards me but towards others as well. I have come to realise that, handled with integrity and care, conflict can not only provide a learning opportunity but also increase closeness and mutual understanding. Article Directory: http://www.articlecube.com Sue is an empowerment coach who empowers her clients to create the life they long for. She also facilitates courses, gives talks and writes articles, all based on her own life experience. Her first book "Across A Crowded Room: How To find And Keep The Love Of Your Life" was published in 1995 and her latest book "Now You See Me, Now You Don't: Dancing with The Mask" will be published in 2007. Sign on for your free mini course at http:www.sueplumtree.co.uk.email sue@sueplumtree.co.uk
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