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Difficult Conversations: 8 Potholes of the Mind and How to Avoid ThemBy Tammy Lenski There’s a certain road that makes me wince when I drive on it. The liberally sprinkled potholes make it annoying and more difficult to get from one end of that short road to the other, make me worry about damage to an axle, and certainly create a bouncy ride that even my dogs notice unhappily. Like potholes in a road, certain "potholes of the mind" reduce the effectiveness of a difficult conversation. (My thanks to Daniel Yankelovich, author of The Magic of Dialogue, for the phrase "potholes of the mind.")
Being certain. Certainty locks you into your conclusions and prevents you from using a critical conflict resolution skill---curiosity. The selective perceptions created by certainty cause you to single out information that supports a belief and filter out information that might disconfirm it. In a negotiation or other difficult conversation, practice the art of uncertainty.
Diagnosing. 19th century English statesman Sir John Lubbock said, "What we see depends mainly on what we look for." When you diagnose another person ("passive-aggressive," limit the potential of the conversation to a narrow fix, and put the other in a box they’ll probably try to fight their way out of. Leave the diagnosing to counselors.
Avoiding. People sometimes avoid confronting a problem because they’re uncomfortable with the prospect, think it’s more work than it’s worth, or worry that they’ll bruise the relationship in the process. While it’s wise to choose your battles, avoidance of important
Our articles continue...
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Check out the Houston Art Car Parade winners slideshow<img src='http://assets.bizjournals.com/houston/news/Mr_Green_photo_by_Isidro_Urena_Ramirez*100.jpg?v=1'>Houston artist Mark Bradford and his wife Nicole were the big winners at the 2012 Houston Art Car Parade with their 12-foot walking creature known as "Mr. Green."
The Bradfords' creation won the Mayor's Cup at this year's annual parade of quirky vehicles held May 12, featuring 277 entries. "Mr. Green," made entirely from recycled scrap metal, also earned the top cash prize of $2,000.
Click on the image at right to view a slideshow of the winners from the 2012 Houston Art Car Parade.
The Grand...<div class="feedflare">
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</div>Sonoma wine bar expanding to the Heights<img src='http://assets.bizjournals.com/milwaukee/print-edition/040612_AH_WineNot05282FEA*100.jpg?v=1'>Sonoma Retail Wine Bar & Restaurant is the latest restaurant to move into the increasingly popular White Oak area.
The Houston wine bar is gearing up to open its second location in June at 801 Studewood in The Heights, just down the road from Liberty Kitchen.
Owner Farrah Fatouretchi-Cauley has operated the original location at 2720 Richmond Ave. for nearly five years and said it was always a goal to open multiple locations.
?We?re taking the same concept and love for food and wine and expanding...<div class="feedflare">
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</div>Houston residential real estate firms jump up transactions list<img src='http://assets.bizjournals.com/houston/blog/top-of-the-lists/RRE-TRANSACTION-MAINSLIDE*100.jpg?v=1'>Martha Turner Properties and Heritage Texas Properties have moved into the top five on this year?s Houston Business Journal Largest Houston-Area Residential Real Estate Brokerage Firms list, ranked by 2011 transaction sides of closed sales.
Martha Turner Properties moved from No. 7 last year to No. 4 this year, while Heritage Texas Properties moved from No. 6 to No. 5. The largest jump on the list by far was Better Homes and Gardens Real Estate Anderson Properties, which moved 13 spots from No....<div class="feedflare">
<a href="http://feeds.bizjournals.com/~ff/bizj_houston?a=Tqm_00EuQXE:Jm9EIE3-SdU:yIl2AUoC8zA"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/bizj_houston?d=yIl2AUoC8zA" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.bizjournals.com/~ff/bizj_houston?a=Tqm_00EuQXE:Jm9EIE3-SdU:V_sGLiPBpWU"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/bizj_houston?i=Tqm_00EuQXE:Jm9EIE3-SdU:V_sGLiPBpWU" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.bizjournals.com/~ff/bizj_houston?a=Tqm_00EuQXE:Jm9EIE3-SdU:F7zBnMyn0Lo"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/bizj_houston?i=Tqm_00EuQXE:Jm9EIE3-SdU:F7zBnMyn0Lo" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.bizjournals.com/~ff/bizj_houston?a=Tqm_00EuQXE:Jm9EIE3-SdU:qj6IDK7rITs"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/bizj_houston?d=qj6IDK7rITs" border="0"></img></a>
</div>Houston residential real estate firms boost dollar volumes<img src='http://assets.bizjournals.com/houston/blog/top-of-the-lists/RRE-DOLLAR-MAINSLIDE*100.jpg?v=1'>Houston?s largest residential real estate firms increased their total gross dollar volume of closed sales in 2011 compared to 2010.
All of the top five companies on the Houston Business Journal list of the Largest Houston-Area Residential Real Estate Brokerage Firms, ranked by 2011 total gross dollar volume of closed sales, increased their total gross dollar volume but retained their rankings from the previous year. No. 1 Prudential Gary Greene Realtors had the largest dollar volume increase,...<div class="feedflare">
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conflicts may do more damage to the relationship than engaging it would, because each subsequent annoyance puts another brick in the wall between you. Deal with an important conflict if you want to improve the relationship.
Solving different problems. Before proceeding too far into a difficult conversation, make sure you and the other person are not on different train tracks. Even subtle differences in how you each name the problem you think you’re solving together can lead to a more convoluted and frustrating discussion. Get joint clarity up front.
Being too committed to positional goals. If you’re telling yourself that your goal in a difficult conversation is to "get her to" or "make him" or "convince her that..." or anything of a similar ilk, you’re setting yourself up for a defensive exchange because you’re essentially naming your solution as part of your goal. And if your solution worked for the other person, you probably wouldn’t still be in dispute. Reconsider your goals and look for ones you can both agree to try reaching.
Listening with your answer running. Most people can’t fully listen to and absorb what another is communicating while concurrently planning their response or looking for a place to jump in. Listening with your answer running results in an internally focused conversation that prevents you from truly hearing and understanding. Let go of planning your response and you may be surprised by what you learn.
Moving too quickly to problem-solving. Good problem solving involves first having a thorough and complex enough understanding of the problem to be able to identify the most effective solutions. Instead of 20% of time spent on understanding and 80% on problem-solving, try flipping these percentages. In important conflicts, time spent on the front end usually saves time in the long run.
Forging ahead when you’re emotionally hijacked. When you're triggered by a perceived threat, such as by another's actions or words, your brain’s amygdala, which is like an emotional tripwire, primes you for impulsive reaction and your prefrontal cortex dampers such reactions to allow a more thoughtful response. But, in "emotional emergencies," such as in conflict, your rational mind can get swamped by your emotional one. Emotional hijackings need effective interruptions to prevent further swamping that will likely yield unhelpful reactions. Continuing a difficult conversation when you’re emotionally hijacked is like continuing to row far from shore while your boat fills with water.
Copyright © 2005 by Tammy Lenski. All rights reserved.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Tammy_Lenski,_Ed.D
Visit www.lenski.com for more tips and resources on talking things out in the work and home relationships that matter most. Get your free copy of Talking It Out in Ten, a worksheet and guide to help you think and prepare for your difficult conversation, by visiting www.lenski.com and clicking on Free Guide. You'll also receive Tammy's monthly newsletter and be entered automatically into a bi-monthly drawing for coaching and consulting time with Tammy. Dr. Tammy Lenski is the author of I Can't Say That!, a popular blog read by women all over the world. A professional mediator, conflict management coach and educator, Tammy works personally with women who want to keep their balance in conflict and step up to the conversations that really matter.
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How To Sue Ebay And Paypal For Unfair Business Practices
By Dr. Michael A. S. Guth, Ph.D., J.D., Mon Jan 2nd
Consumers who have experienced unfair business practices fromeBay and Paypal, e.g., where the companies refuse to live up totheir buyer protection programs, may have recourse in a court oflaw. Read more...
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St. Elizabeth joins radiation safety campaign
St. Elizabeth Healthcare has joined a national effort to promote radiation safety in medical imaging.
The campaign, called Image Gently/Image Wisely, is based on revamped American College of Radiology guidelines. It applies to both adult and pediatric patients.
The initiative ?originated from a need to educate our patients, physicians,
and our community to ensure that we take the necessary steps toward reducing unnecessary radiation exposure and still meet our top-quality care patients have...<div class="feedflare">
<a href="http://feeds.bizjournals.com/~ff/bizj_cincinnati?a=ojcAO9lL5Yc:mVoMgPks3Bc:yIl2AUoC8zA"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/bizj_cincinnati?d=yIl2AUoC8zA" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.bizjournals.com/~ff/bizj_cincinnati?a=ojcAO9lL5Yc:mVoMgPks3Bc:V_sGLiPBpWU"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/bizj_cincinnati?i=ojcAO9lL5Yc:mVoMgPks3Bc:V_sGLiPBpWU" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.bizjournals.com/~ff/bizj_cincinnati?a=ojcAO9lL5Yc:mVoMgPks3Bc:F7zBnMyn0Lo"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/bizj_cincinnati?i=ojcAO9lL5Yc:mVoMgPks3Bc:F7zBnMyn0Lo" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.bizjournals.com/~ff/bizj_cincinnati?a=ojcAO9lL5Yc:mVoMgPks3Bc:qj6IDK7rITs"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/bizj_cincinnati?d=qj6IDK7rITs" border="0"></img></a>
</div><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/bizj_cincinnati/~4/ojcAO9lL5Yc" height="1" width="1"/>Procter & Gamble alumni still claiming top jobs
They are a helpful bunch, former employees of Procter & Gamble Co.
It?s been about a month since we asked for help in updating our list of P&G alumni who claimed top leadership posts with other companies.
And we?re happy to report that our list has grown by 20 people. It?s now over 200 and hopefully still rising. Among the new names on the list are Brian Driscoll, recently announced as CEO of Diamond Foods Inc., and Tom Moore, CEO of the Princeton, N.J.-based biotech firm, Advaxis. He?s...<div class="feedflare">
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</div><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/bizj_cincinnati/~4/aRVuwj2skUk" height="1" width="1"/>Macy's CEO Lundgren: 'The customer is voting with us'
<img src='http://assets.bizjournals.com/cincinnati/blog/Terry_Lundgren_Macys*100.jpg?v=1'>The Macy?s Inc. annual meeting today was a celebration of the retailer?s rebirth.
Chairman and CEO Terry Lundgren noted in prepared remarks that Macy?s began its reorganization in 2008 and 2009 and became ?an all-new company.?
?Fast-forward to today. The customer is voting, and they?re voting with us because our year has been quite good,? he said.
Quite good, indeed. The Cincinnati-based department store chain (NYSE: M) has grown sales by more than $1 billion in each of the last...<div class="feedflare">
<a href="http://feeds.bizjournals.com/~ff/bizj_cincinnati?a=ryG89ytUJnQ:HoWFlh3k5Ik:yIl2AUoC8zA"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/bizj_cincinnati?d=yIl2AUoC8zA" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.bizjournals.com/~ff/bizj_cincinnati?a=ryG89ytUJnQ:HoWFlh3k5Ik:V_sGLiPBpWU"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/bizj_cincinnati?i=ryG89ytUJnQ:HoWFlh3k5Ik:V_sGLiPBpWU" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.bizjournals.com/~ff/bizj_cincinnati?a=ryG89ytUJnQ:HoWFlh3k5Ik:F7zBnMyn0Lo"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/bizj_cincinnati?i=ryG89ytUJnQ:HoWFlh3k5Ik:F7zBnMyn0Lo" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.bizjournals.com/~ff/bizj_cincinnati?a=ryG89ytUJnQ:HoWFlh3k5Ik:qj6IDK7rITs"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/bizj_cincinnati?d=qj6IDK7rITs" border="0"></img></a>
</div><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/bizj_cincinnati/~4/ryG89ytUJnQ" height="1" width="1"/>Social Madness contest starts June 1
A big thanks to the dozens of Cincinnati-based businesses that signed on to participate in our first-ever Social Madness Challenge presented by Capital One Spark Business. The nomination period is officially closed and 70 companies signed on to compete.
American City Business Journals, the parent company of the Business Courier, is in the process of reviewing and approving nominations. The next phase of the competition begins on June 1.
Companies will be judged based on votes on bizjournals.com,...<div class="feedflare">
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</div><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/bizj_cincinnati/~4/r0mYc_cUq4Y" height="1" width="1"/>University crowd dominates high-paid public officials list
<img src='http://assets.bizjournals.com/cincinnati/news/butch_jones-300x286*100.jpg?v=1'>The most remarkable thing about the ?Tri-State?s Highest Paid Public Officials? list running in this week?s print edition of the Business Courier, is that there are no public officials on it, if you define the term strictly as people employed by municipal governing entities.
The truth is, no local government official makes enough money to be on this list. Instead, the 50 ?officials? on the list are employees of the three area public universities, University of Cincinnati, Miami University...<div class="feedflare">
<a href="http://feeds.bizjournals.com/~ff/bizj_cincinnati?a=qZXROPkz-sQ:g8ivaeOOums:yIl2AUoC8zA"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/bizj_cincinnati?d=yIl2AUoC8zA" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.bizjournals.com/~ff/bizj_cincinnati?a=qZXROPkz-sQ:g8ivaeOOums:V_sGLiPBpWU"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/bizj_cincinnati?i=qZXROPkz-sQ:g8ivaeOOums:V_sGLiPBpWU" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.bizjournals.com/~ff/bizj_cincinnati?a=qZXROPkz-sQ:g8ivaeOOums:F7zBnMyn0Lo"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/bizj_cincinnati?i=qZXROPkz-sQ:g8ivaeOOums:F7zBnMyn0Lo" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.bizjournals.com/~ff/bizj_cincinnati?a=qZXROPkz-sQ:g8ivaeOOums:qj6IDK7rITs"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/bizj_cincinnati?d=qj6IDK7rITs" border="0"></img></a>
</div><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/bizj_cincinnati/~4/qZXROPkz-sQ" height="1" width="1"/>Covington police chief steps down
<img src='http://assets.bizjournals.com/cincinnati/news/Lee_Russ*100.jpg?v=1'>Covington Police Chief Lee Russo is stepping down from his post after five years on the job.
According to a press release from the city, Russo's tenure was marked by an emphasis on community policing and a reduction in major and violent crimes.
"Chief Russo reached out to neighborhoods in an unprecedented manner," said City Manager Larry Klein in a statement, "He placed an emphasis on improving public relations and engaging citizens, particularly residents of the city Eastside neighborhood."
Russo,...<div class="feedflare">
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conciliatory efforts by a third State, an international organisation, or a prominent individual which not only bring about negotiation between the parties but do so on the basis of proposals made by the mediator.
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