over 40 crowd… relationship conflict management issues?
My boyfriend and I (ages 35plus) have aan amazing relationship. We are best friends, we laugh alot together, have great conversations, the intimacy is wonderful — the big problem we are having is conflict resolution styles… I am more the get it off my chest and move on, he is more the shut down emotionally and retreat… this is a problem because our methods are in complete opposite one another… we had a resent conflict where he just left my home and went home. I considered it a form of pouting, he considered it a form of not letting things escalate. I felt his reaction trumped the original conflict, for if we just got it out and talked about it, we could have let the issue go and moved forward… instead the next day he virtually ignored my calls and emails until the evening, at which time he wanted to be alone.. we DID finally talk it through, but seem stuck on how to work through how we deal with our conflicts… also, during conflict I am automatically assuming well, he must want to end things or he would not act this way, whereas, he assumes I am not being calm.. (I am not the dishes throwing in your face anger type, I am more the ok you made me angry and here is why type)… I asked him, what could I have done to make you want to stay instead of storming out and he said that was something I had to figure out he can not tell me what to do.. I dont want him to tell me what to do – I want us to be able to talk with each other and come up with a workable solution…
This is not about whose method is best – we realize we both need to figure out something because neither way is perfect… but I feel we need a third party (or some guidance and ideas from regular people) on what we can do to reach some kind of middle ground…
Everything else is amazing, but this one issue is big, I think.
‘I am I said’ has a good point. One book I read mentioned that cave thing (Men are from Mars?) but I’ve always known that guys can only engage for short periods of time. So they can argue…but then after a few minutes (or longer if they’ve developed it) they have to decompress and get away. They’ll come back but by that time we’ve worked up about 10 arguments to make them see our way.
So I guess you have to work on guidelines.
This may go in line with how guys think. Men are usually one track whereas we’re set up to multitask.
Two resources you can try are ‘For Women Only’ and ‘For Men Only’ by Shaunti Feldhahn. He can learn about you and you can learn about him.
Good Luck!
Recommended Reading
- Business Conflict Resolution Explained
- What to Do When Conflict Happens
- Family Business Mediators Are Third Party Conflict Resolution Providers
- Los Hombres Del Lago. A Student Documentary. SIT Study Abroad: Bolivia 2007
- Groupthink
- Kids and Conflict: Teaching kids to keep the peace
- The Complete Guide to Conflict Resolution in the Workplace
learn ‘nonviolent communication’ get the book by marshall rosenberg. you need improved communications skills. it has done wonders for me. i am 48.
you have to let him hve his feelings. i also used to feel that people’s getting mad trumped the original issue and they ‘shouldn’t’ respond that way. i felt like i was a victim of their anger or reaction but i overcame this problem by using mediatation and nonviolent communciation techniques. it works.
References :
He’s a man, not a woman.
I’m surprised at your age you haven’t come to terms with how we deal with problems.
We go into our caves, deal with it, then emerge with the answer.
This is not “pouting”.
References :
compromise, compromise, compromise
References :
‘I am I said’ has a good point. One book I read mentioned that cave thing (Men are from Mars?) but I’ve always known that guys can only engage for short periods of time. So they can argue…but then after a few minutes (or longer if they’ve developed it) they have to decompress and get away. They’ll come back but by that time we’ve worked up about 10 arguments to make them see our way.
So I guess you have to work on guidelines.
This may go in line with how guys think. Men are usually one track whereas we’re set up to multitask.
Two resources you can try are ‘For Women Only’ and ‘For Men Only’ by Shaunti Feldhahn. He can learn about you and you can learn about him.
Good Luck!
References :
http://www.amazon.com/Women-Only-about-Inner-Lives/dp/1590523172